A man's castle is his home

Johnny Depp's either straightened out his financial woes or he's still a spendthrift, for the Fourth Estate says he's got his eyes on another castle.

Like most dudes, I've fantasized about owning a castle ever since I saw Claude Rains traipsing through his in The Adventures of Robin Hood. I thought it'd be a pip pouring boiling oil on my adversaries or forcing my serfs to dig counter-tunnels to thwart my enemies' sappers. I'd have my own trebuchets in case a rival got any bright ideas. And when combat subsided, there'd be feasting, wenching, jousting, etc., etc.

Then I bought a house, which kicked any desire to own another in larger and older form right in the ass. Ten grand for cabinets will do that, especially when my mental estimate hovered somewhere around $500; they're six pieces of wood, two hinges, and a handle. I hadn't realized cedar was a byproduct of platinum. I could go on indefinitely.

The hazards of domestic home ownership are all too familiar, so I'll spare you and Mr. Depp the terrors of the Italian form. I will say I hope he has plenty of whatever worthless currency Italy calls its own; I do not keep up with daily grind of the Italian banking system, but I suspect an interest rate of about 50 percent on a 30-year loan would be prudent in that country, though this is no fault of Mr. Depp. I might add that the services of at least 17 title companies, of which less than half should be of the Italian persuasion, ought to be enlisted to secure peace of mind on that front. (While Italian record keeping enjoyed a brief renaissance under Il Duce, strict adherence to protocol is generally not considered an Italian virtue.) And Italian cupidity knows no bounds. Their countervailing sloth doesn't so much mitigate this risk as create a new form of it. Get references from out of country for any contractor.

With its "22,000 square feet and... 11 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, a paved courtyard and a 15th century chapel," Depp will surely be living both his and my dream. I just hope the thing comes with a gold mine.

Johnny Depp looking at buying $4M castle in Turin, Italy (nypost.com)