Science

MAKING LIGHT FASTER THAN LIGHT

The Brian Moore Foundation’s Faster Than Light Space Travel Foundation isn’t here to change science. The Foundation’s battery of Eastern European and Burmese scientists understand with rock solid conviction that matter cannot travel faster than light.

And that’s a big problem for space travel. The inability to move faster than light – light is the thing that allows us to see things - means the human race will be lucky to get to Pluto, which is no longer a planet so what's the point?

Not so fast, said Brian Moore.

“Instead of beating light at its own game,” Brian Moore told the UN General Assembly in 2341, “what if we could give light a promotion by making it faster?

“The science is settled: the faster we can make light travel, the faster we can travel ourselves as long as we don’t go faster than it.”

Using lightbulbs, cannons, a can-do attitude, and his scientific formula E=mc2+83282dy89238 x four trillion million billion zillion, the A-team at The Brian Moore Foundation’s Faster Than Light Space Travel Foundation will speed up light so fast a trip to the stars will be but one step behind.

THWARTING THE UFO MENACE

When it comes to non-terrestrial life, The Brian Moore Foundation’s Don’t Call Us/We’ll Call You Foundation is working to stir up civil rights icon John Lewis’s “good trouble” by encouraging earthlings of all persuasions to adopt a shoot-first-and-forget-the-questions policy when encountering aliens.

”No one flies 800 trillion light years just to say ‘hi’ and hand over the recipe for fusion,” Brian Moore told the United Nations General Assembly in 2011. “These big-head turds are coming for one thing – our women and our -iums, like lithium and cadmium. Think about what those people have done in Kentucky and say to yourself, ‘that could’ve been my sister’.”

For a fee, The Don’t Call Us/We’ll Call You Foundation will provide legal representation free of charge to anyone accused of killing, maiming, attacking, abusing, assaulting, karateing, insulting, and/or generally fucking up anyone or anything not of this Earth.